I Dreamt

I dreamt that I had to save the kitten, he was at the bottom of the river, playing in the wet dunes – oblivious to the danger. The crocodile which I, the camera man, had been filming myself, and the tail – the ominous tail, the idea of the crocodile lurking just below.

I dreamt that last night, but I woke up in another dream.. a dream where I was just someone’s property on a set, like an animation, a 3D character who could be filled with any concept. I saw the cracks in the dream word, I met a boy… his name was not Todd… or Toby… or something like that. He said he was new, that I shouldn’t be there, here in the dream world. But I was everywhere in the dream world.  I had to fall asleep again, I am awake now in the world – I walk down the street and many people notice me, there is something about me they like to look at, I do not know what – but I smile at all of them not to seem rude. I am happy, and confident. But then the dream comes back. The dream where I was just a shallow concept in somebody else’s sleep. I had to steal a part of myself, I had to steal it to become whole. To become whole in the dream world. To be free.

I saw myself through his eyes, I was in him, inside his head and I saw myself, something curious – something he wasn’t sure how to feel about – he had to follow her. He followed her down the street and into a door, he did not know what the building was for – there was no sign. He went in anyway just to see. But she had disappeared into a maze of stairs and doors. He had not the will to continue to follow her. I stole it – the concept I stole it from his head. I stole the idea that I was a curious being to be followed. I stole the idea that he was too weak to follow further.

I woke up again, and I walked. The sun shone through tall tall pine trees on the roof. On a hill, over exposed they  walked ahead of me, I followed snapping photos. I followed and they talked and they turned to talk to me, it looked like the wanted me to stop,  but I wasn't really listening in the wind so they ignored me and carried on. And I snapped a photo of them and I stole the concept that I was stalking the other, and I was not accepted into the tribe. I walked further following them, and then I was part of them. We were outside the rusta sweet shop that sold mushrooms, and then there was the boy…the one who I had not called back, he looked at me betrayed, and I stole that thought from him, I the betrayer. I the flake, the commitment phobic. They were all ideas anyway.

I woke up and I walked and the boy I had not called back did not see me, I carried on walking. It was Autumn, dark oranges and red, falling leaves swirling in background peripheries. I do not know where I am going, the sky is grey. I am accompanied only by crows. They crow larger and larger the further I walk, as I walk my past closes in on me, black-holing my taken footstep. And I run, as it rains, torrents of rain. To a pool. In the sun, I'm on holiday it feels. But the pool is not a pool but a small area of beach surrounded by high and sharp looking mountains. But it is clear and inviting, and we swim. We climb the beginnings of the rocks as they jut out the water, as high as we dare and we jump. The water is not empty. Small sand sharks laze around the shallower warmer waters, now growing green algae. I see my mother on the shore, but the water is rising. I swim from the rocks, alone now, the green water gaining murk, and out of the murk appears the fin, I am almost by the stairs that lead up to the flat, the that long drive I had been on before the pool. There were no crows. It was a dream. I shook myself off on the stairs, and stole the concept of being someone’s child, I stole it from my mother. And when I awoke she did not see me, and I walked through the passage of a house, trying to find a room to rent. I found a room full of guitar cases, an attic, full of dust, at the end of the attic a window onto a hill with barb-wire running across it, the fence behind it. There were people downstairs, they were recording music. I think, they said the landlord was lost. I stole the concept of homelessness from them. I stole it and kept it for myself.

I woke up in a shack town, the boy Todd… Toby…was there he told me I was in trouble, he told me that the managers were going to delete me. He told me I was animatronic that he loved me. I stole his love. And I fell asleep…   But no one knew me when I woke up.