I dreamt that I had to save the
kitten, he was at the bottom of the river, playing in the wet dunes – oblivious
to the danger. The crocodile which I, the camera man, had been filming myself,
and the tail – the ominous tail, the idea of the crocodile lurking just below.
I dreamt that last night, but I
woke up in another dream.. a dream where I was just someone’s property on a
set, like an animation, a 3D character who could be filled with any concept. I
saw the cracks in the dream word, I met a boy… his name was not Todd… or Toby…
or something like that. He said he was new, that I shouldn’t be there, here in
the dream world. But I was everywhere in the dream world. I had to fall asleep again, I am awake now in
the world – I walk down the street and many people notice me, there is
something about me they like to look at, I do not know what – but I smile at
all of them not to seem rude. I am happy, and confident. But then the dream
comes back. The dream where I was just a shallow concept in somebody else’s
sleep. I had to steal a part of myself, I had to steal it to become whole. To
become whole in the dream world. To be free.
I saw myself through his eyes, I
was in him, inside his head and I saw myself, something curious – something he
wasn’t sure how to feel about – he had to follow her. He followed her down the
street and into a door, he did not know what the building was for – there was
no sign. He went in anyway just to see. But she had disappeared into a maze of
stairs and doors. He had not the will to continue to follow her. I stole it –
the concept I stole it from his head. I stole the idea that I was a curious
being to be followed. I stole the idea that he was too weak to follow further.
I woke up again, and I walked.
The sun shone through tall tall pine trees on the roof. On a hill, over exposed
they walked ahead of me, I followed
snapping photos. I followed and they talked and they turned to talk to me, it
looked like the wanted me to stop, but I wasn't really listening in the wind so they ignored me and carried on. And I
snapped a photo of them and I stole the concept that I was stalking the other,
and I was not accepted into the tribe. I walked further following them, and
then I was part of them. We were outside the rusta sweet shop that sold
mushrooms, and then there was the boy…the one who I had not called back, he
looked at me betrayed, and I stole that thought from him, I the betrayer. I the
flake, the commitment phobic. They were all ideas anyway.
I woke up and I walked and the
boy I had not called back did not see me, I carried on walking. It was Autumn,
dark oranges and red, falling leaves swirling in background peripheries. I do
not know where I am going, the sky is grey. I am accompanied only by crows.
They crow larger and larger the further I walk, as I walk my past closes in on
me, black-holing my taken footstep. And I run, as it rains, torrents of rain. To
a pool. In the sun, I'm on holiday it feels. But the pool is not a pool but a
small area of beach surrounded by high and sharp looking mountains. But it is
clear and inviting, and we swim. We climb the beginnings of the rocks as they
jut out the water, as high as we dare and we jump. The water is not empty.
Small sand sharks laze around the shallower warmer waters, now growing green
algae. I see my mother on the shore, but the water is rising. I swim from the
rocks, alone now, the green water gaining murk, and out of the murk appears the
fin, I am almost by the stairs that lead up to the flat, the that long drive I
had been on before the pool. There were no crows. It was a dream. I shook
myself off on the stairs, and stole the concept of being someone’s child, I
stole it from my mother. And when I awoke she did not see me, and I walked
through the passage of a house, trying to find a room to rent. I found a room
full of guitar cases, an attic, full of dust, at the end of the attic a window
onto a hill with barb-wire running across it, the fence behind it. There were
people downstairs, they were recording music. I think, they said the landlord
was lost. I stole the concept of homelessness from them. I stole it and kept it
for myself.
I woke up in a shack town, the
boy Todd… Toby…was there he told me I was in trouble, he told me that the
managers were going to delete me. He told me I was animatronic that he loved
me. I stole his love. And I fell asleep… But no one knew me when I woke up.
